If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
