I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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