3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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