I'm gonna have a badass scar
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
