I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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