I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
