2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
