Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Randomize
