The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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