its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
