I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
