i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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