I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I supernannyed him into submission
The adults are the big ones right?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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