On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just had sex on a roof
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
