You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
