I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
