just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
