my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
