"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My ass is underappreciated
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
