threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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