____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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