Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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