my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
