I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
