I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
