I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
