the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
What a dumb baby whore.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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