Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
