Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
