Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize