a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
