miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize