I met the friendliest cop last night
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
