they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
