I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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