You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
