I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize