I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
