she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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