I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
