So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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