dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
