Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
