I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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