I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
