Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
