I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
