This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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