Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
