the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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