screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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