Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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