I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
