My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
