I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
