I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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