my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
