you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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