i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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