I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
