Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
